It seems that the first year of college is either nothing like you expected or better than you expected. I've heard people say that they hated it because they either made no friends or they made lots of fake friends and partied too much and failed classes or people say that they made their lifelong friends and love college. I wish I could say that my first year was amazing, but it wasn't. Luckily, it's far enough in the past now that I can reflect on it honestly.
It was really good for the first month and a half. My roommate and I were quickly becoming great friends. I was constantly telling my parents that I think she would be a lifelong friend. I never had a friend who shared so many of my interests before and it felt so refreshing. We were constantly exploring the city and laughing until our sides hurt back in our room. It was a really exciting time and I felt like college was exactly what I had been hoping for. However, she started becoming friends with new people and instead of budgeting her time between me and her new friends or even introducing me to them, she was completely leaving me in the dust. Our friendship deteriorated quicker than it took to form it and before I knew it she was moving out. Unlike her, I hadn't been making any friends in my classes and I also didn't have any friends from my hometown at the time either, so I felt entirely alone. I hated my roommate for leaving me, I hated my floor because they were constantly loud and drunk or high and I hated the school.
I began spiraling into a really dark place. I was crying all the time and feeling more lonely than I'd ever felt in my whole life. I struggled through my second semester even though I was taking barely enough credits to even be considered full time. I couldn't find the energy to do my work or to make friends. I was becoming careless about my health and doing things that I regret. I came out of my freshman year feeling defeated. College had been absolutely nothing like I had hoped.
Although my freshman year was terrible, it taught me a lot about myself. During the semesters, I began going out a lot to try and escape the loneliness for as long as possible. I started going to museums and coffee shops. I'd spend warm Saturdays in Central Park reading or I'd go shopping on a Friday. At first, I did it to escape, but as time progressed I realized that spending time with myself wasn't so bad after all. In fact, going to museums or parks by yourself can be just as much as fun as if you were with someone. I may have been fighting off loneliness, but I was also realizing that I didn't need friends to make me happy. I think a lot of people lean on friends for their happiness and they tend to hang on to toxic friendships because they're scared of being alone. It's perfectly valid to feel that way, but it's also so detrimental. I've held on to my fair share of toxic friends throughout the years and it never ended up well. When I had no one else to rely on, I realized how important it is to rely on yourself first and rely on your friends second.
Since my freshman year, I've become friends with some girls from my hometown again and I'm becoming really close with one of them again. It's great to have people to hang out with again, but I'm happy knowing that I can be alone and still be okay. I no longer have a fear of being looked at as "weird" because I might be doing something alone on a Saturday. I know that if I lose all my friends again, I can survive by myself, and it's comforting. Friendships are important and can be great, but they can also be toxic and detrimental. Being alone sometimes isn't so bad and I think we need to learn to rely on ourselves above all else and stop seeing being alone as something bad.
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